my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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