I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
