She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
