the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
