How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
