R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
