Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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