God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
