I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
worst night to have a conscience
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
