Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
