I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
