I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
