11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
