Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
