I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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