I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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