when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
