My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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