You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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