I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
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