Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.