so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she peed on how many people?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children