Texts From Last Night

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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Why are we friends again?

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  (973): New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out.. (1-973): Why are we friends again? http://tfl.nu/4ygf
  Replies (38) Good night (896) Bad night (3041) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?

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  (937): How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink? http://tfl.nu/zmgw
  Replies (61) Good night (3613) Bad night (983) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.

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  (802): clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven. http://tfl.nu/4bru
  Replies (7) Good night (662) Bad night (2626) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents

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  (904): i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents http://tfl.nu/zd1e
  Replies (60) Good night (1494) Bad night (4605) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?

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  (518): i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone? http://tfl.nu/iu7h
  Replies (11) Good night (1218) Bad night (2447) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?

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  (412): Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something? http://tfl.nu/z60e
  Replies (2) Good night (2370) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.

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  (970): Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking. http://tfl.nu/jhua
  Replies (4) Good night (749) Bad night (1736) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.

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  (520): if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am. http://tfl.nu/txlr
  Replies (4) Good night (1928) Bad night (1236) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

  (415): View more from California

  That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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  (310): It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter. (415): That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere. http://tfl.nu/8y5r
  Replies (11) Good night (1779) Bad night (383)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  It's a good cause. For your vagina.

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  (603): It's a good cause. For your vagina. http://tfl.nu/54ey
  Replies (5) Good night (887) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.

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  (615): How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them. http://tfl.nu/5mum
  Replies (14) Good night (1852) Bad night (679)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"

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  (864): I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY" http://tfl.nu/isd1
  Replies (7) Good night (1693) Bad night (328) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.

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  (701): If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs. http://tfl.nu/qa5n
  Replies (5) Good night (339) Bad night (1025) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.

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  (248): in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins. http://tfl.nu/5x9x
  Replies (2) Good night (370) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.

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  (989): You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone. http://tfl.nu/tu9y
  Replies (0) Good night (304) Bad night (151) Order T-Shirt

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