im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
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I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.