Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
