Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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