I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
