but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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