my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
