I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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