I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
