apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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