You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
