This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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