you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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