did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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