I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
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Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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