there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
