sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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