when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
