only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
