even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
