dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
