a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
