It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
