So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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