he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
