Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
