my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
