I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
