Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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