ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
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