see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just had sex on a roof
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
