at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
