omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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