So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
