john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I stole a fireplace last night.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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