saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
