I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
This toilet bowl is my home.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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