Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
