I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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