I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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