I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
